The Mirror Effect

We've probably all heard the expression, "We all mirror one another."  I have been met with more resistance when suggesting to another that they examine what traits in themselves they're unhappy with that are being mirrored back to them by this person giving them trouble.  Most of us do not want to even consider our own flaws, let alone sit with them and live with them.  Without doing this though, you will never be able to transform them and you will continue to attract more people into your life who mirror this same issue back to you, sometimes in more strong and obvious ways.  We all have soft spots, that's why we're here on earth, to strengthen them.  So keeping in mind that nobody is perfect, lets examine the mirror effect more closely.

I find that many people I suggest the mirror effect to, take it quite literally.  Here are a few examples:

1.  Someone constantly complains about how inconsiderate a family member is, but then says, "No, I don't do this or this or this...." not seeing that it's true they do not do these specific things, but they are equally inconsiderate in other ways that hurt those around them.

2.  Someone has a problem with an angry alcoholic they live with.  When suggested the mirror effect they retort, "I'm nothing like them.  I'm not angry and I don't drink."  This may be true, but you do have an addictive personality and you latch yourself onto unhealthy relationships.  You never show anger, but instead bottle it up to explode later (which it does) and your spirit is unhappy because you're not singing your song, speaking your truth in your colors because you live secretly afraid of being the focal point of this angry alcoholic's rage. 

Which brings me to my next point in the mirror effect.  Many times, what bothers us in others isn't necessarily the same flaw we have, but an opposite problem that our spirit longs to express.  When I was in high school, there was a boy in my class who was genuinely irritated with me.  This aggravation was to an extent that it caused no doubt in my mind that he would talk about, or at least think about how much I irritated him when we weren't even around each other.  I recall having numerous conversations with him about why I have to be so weird, dress the way I do and why I couldn't just conform and fit in with everybody else.  Now the thing is, I always was a little different, but it was by no means over the top.  For the most part I dressed and behaved like everyone else and was part of our school's general society.  It didn't occur to me until recently though, that this boy's spirit had such a desire to express itself in its own unique way, which his ego was resisting, that he became irritated whenever he saw another expressing him or herself in their own unique way.  I wasn't mirroring something in him which he hated in himself, I was mirroring a strong spirit desire that he was not yet ready to explore.

There is also a difference between the mirror effect and disliking someone because their behavior hurts others.  We are not meant to like everybody on this earth and we don't need to force ourselves to.  We don't have all the answers in this life and there may be a very good reason why we feel prickly about another person.  If you don't like Hitler, or Osama bin Laden, or Joseph Kony, it's okay.  Don't think you dislike them because they're mirroring you.  They did or still do bad things to humanity.  They do however, mirror humanity on a grander scale.  Just because we personally are not in charge of human mass-murder, doesn't mean we are not the cause of crushing someone else's spirit.  It also shows us how we are all connected, all one.  A decision I make today will affect the person closest to that decision, which affects the next and the next until I'm affecting people I will never meet and generations below me.  The same goes for goodness in the world.  Jesus, Buddha, HH the Dalai Lama and Mother Theresa show us on a grand scale, the ability we have to love one another, show compassion and make good changes in the world.

When you deal with yourself gently and are willing to be real and honest with yourself, you can then see that other human beings and the mirror effect is quite a magnificent gift to us.  Yes, it's normally difficult to look in the mirror.  It stings.  We feel bad about ourselves when we discover we have a personality trait we consider to be unfavorable.  Consider yourself in good company though because we ALL have them and if you feel bad enough to not want to look at your own flaws, it just means you have a conscience.  This is a good thing.  However, the quicker you take stock of your weaknesses and strengthen them, the quicker you can grow and move on.  Maybe then, your irritant will either stop irritating you or exit stage left from your life.  Take a moment to think about the person you admire most in the world.  This person has flaws and personality traits that they consider to be unfavorable.  Here is a step-by-step of how I gently handle looking at myself in the mirror.

1.  Write down what seriously irritates me about a certain person in my life
2.  Ask myself if I literally do these things
3.  If not, which is usually the case, I ask myself how I respond to these irritating qualities
4.  Make a list of qualities about me that I would like to improve, or personal qualities that irritate others and have been brought to my attention
5.  See if there's a link between those qualities and possible ways that I exhibit forms of these irritating behaviors in my own life
6.  Ask my best friends if they see similarities in the irritating behaviors of these others that I exhibit in myself
7.  Pray for these weaknesses to become strengths.  Thank the other person in spirit for showing me how I can improve myself and actively work on improving these behaviors

It's always sticky work when we need to look at our own humanity, but the end result is like watching a bud flower in the sun.  The end result is beautiful and satisfying.

Taking Time To Sip Life



Recently, I dropped a glass and watched as it smashed all over my livingroom floor.  As I swept up the mess I began ruminating on possible messages this incident could be giving me.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  Everything.  The first thing that came to my head was, "My cup overfloweth."  I remained confused for a few days about this.  Normally when I think of this saying, I'm imagining my cup overflowing with love and goodness, which is a good thing right?  It occured to me today that your cup can overflow with anything.  Perhaps I've always seen the cup as half-full because my own cup has always seemed full to me - even if it was full of shit. 

My life has been in super over-drive lately.  Dealing with personal medical issues, family issues, relationship issues, children's medical issues, new ventures, education, financial difficulties, unemployment, running a household, spiritual development, trying to establish my community...it's a lot for one person to handle alone.  We might say I've got a lot on my plate, or on my shoulders, but we don't usually refer to cups.  I suppose the angels were improvising with what was available at that time.  I was holding a cup, not a plate.  They knew I'd get the message. 

So, my question to you is, what does your cup look like?  Is your life too full of responsibility?  Or partying?  Or drama?  Or despair?  What color do you see in your cup?  A little color therapy can assist you with that.  I see a kool-aid red in my cup which refers to root chakra issues and my sense of stability in this world, which is exactly what I'm going through at this time. 

It's a process of sipping from our cup to empty out that which no longer serves us.  When your cup has been full for so long, one has a difficult time adding new things to it because you cannot add to something that is already full.  Choose one thing that you would like to empty from your cup and give that priority.  It could be an unsatisfying job, desired weight loss, an emotional issue, addiction, any number of things.  Work on your time management skills so that you're accomplishing your normal obligations, but giving yourself some daily time to empty this issue from your cup.  I'm big on list making and schedules.  There have been times in my life where I was so overwhelmed with my overflowing cup that I needed to schedule in showers and sleep.  I think the most important thing to emptying your cup is by giving yourself some down-time.  Whatever it is you enjoy doing whether it's playing a sport, reading, meditating, taking a hike through the forest, or swimming in the ocean or lake, down-time is essential to recharging.  It's like putting your cup in the fridge to chill or reheating your tea.  If you've got to drink up, you may as well enjoy doing it. 

Once you've had a chance to start emptying your cup, you'll have a sense of having regained some control over your life.  It's important not to try and refill our cup with new things once we've emptied some of it out.  Many of us are afraid of what it will feel like to not have that drama, that issue, that feeling, that responsibility, so when we start emptying our cup we fill it back up with new things so we don't have to deal with what's at the bottom of that cup - our deepest issues.  Naturally, liquids separate and the heavier substances settle at the bottom.  It can be some hard stuff to swallow, but the feeling of freedom you experience after dealing with all that thick, heavy sediment is beyond what many of us can imagine.  Your other option is to break, like my glass, all over the place.  It's much more difficult to pick up a million pieces than it is to sit down and fill yourself with the knowledge and wisdom of what currently fills your cup and leave it empty so it can be filled with all the happy and wonderful things we're so deserving of.

Would you like to sit down and have a cup of tea with me?